What is avoidant attachment?
Avoidant (or dismissive) attachment is a bonding style in which a person values autonomy highly and feels uncomfortable with dependence and intense emotional intimacy. It does not mean “not caring”: it means closeness triggers a need to protect your own space.
In the two-dimension model, avoidant attachment combines high avoidance of intimacy with low fear of abandonment. The person usually handles what they feel alone and plays down emotions.
Common signs in relationships
As the relationship tightens you feel like pulling away, cancelling plans or retreating into work.
You prefer to solve problems alone and find it hard to ask for help or show vulnerability.
In an intense conversation you tend to rationalise, joke or change the subject.
When someone gets very close, you start noticing their faults as a way of keeping distance.
Where it usually comes from
According to attachment theory, this style is often linked to environments where emotional needs were little attended or discouraged (“don’t cry”, “deal with it”). The child learns not to depend on others and to suppress emotional expression, because asking did not work.
The self-reliance that protected you in childhood can become, in adulthood, a barrier to intimacy. This is a likely explanation, not a destiny: attachment can change.
What tends to help
- Small steps of openness: telling someone about a hard day or asking for specific help, without expecting big confessions.
- Notice the urge to pull away: name it (“right now I feel like running”) before deciding what to do.
- Talk about your need for space: explaining it to your partner stops them reading it as disinterest.
- Professional support: a safe space to recognise emotions is often very useful.
To go further, read avoidant attachment: what it is, signs and how to change.
How this test works
You will see 12 statements and answer from “Not at all” to “Very much”. Six measure fear of abandonment and six avoidance of intimacy (some are worded in reverse and scored accordingly). With both scores we place you in one of four styles.
The statements are original wording inspired by the two-dimension model of Brennan, Clark and Shaver (1998). They are not psychometrically validated: this is a reflection tool, not a diagnosis.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I have avoidant attachment?
Do avoidant people not love their partner?
Can avoidant attachment change?
What is the difference between avoidant and disorganised?
Are my answers saved?
Scientific references and bibliography
- Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Erlbaum.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
- Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (pp. 46–76). Guilford Press.
- Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.