What is anxious attachment?
Anxious-preoccupied attachment is one of the adult styles described by attachment theory. It is marked by an intense wish for closeness and high sensitivity to signs of distance or rejection. It is not a disorder: it is a learned way of seeking security in relationships.
In the two-dimension model, anxious attachment combines high fear of abandonment with low avoidance of intimacy. That is why people with this style often want more contact, reassurance and certainty than the other person spontaneously offers.
Common signs in relationships
You analyse the tone of a message, a change of rhythm or a late reply as possible signs that something is wrong.
You often ask to be told you are loved or that everything is fine, and the calm does not last.
You stay quiet about what you need for fear the other person will tire of you, then build up resentment.
Faced with distance you react with calls, reproaches or dramatic withdrawals that aim to restore the connection.
Where it usually comes from
According to attachment theory, this style is often linked to early experiences where care was unpredictable: sometimes available, sometimes not. The child learns that to get attention it pays to stay alert and ask for it intensely. That strategy carries over into adult relationships.
Later experiences also play a part (breakups, infidelity, ambivalent partners). This is a likely explanation, not a sentence: attachment changes with secure relationships and personal work.
What tends to help
- Regulate before asking for reassurance: slow breathing, a walk, or writing down what you feel before messaging the other person.
- Separate fact from interpretation: “they haven’t replied” is a fact; “they’re losing interest” is an interpretation.
- Choose available partners: anxiety settles with consistent, reliable people.
- Professional support: attachment-focused or emotion-regulation therapy often gives good results.
To go further, read how to overcome anxious attachment step by step.
How this test works
You will see 12 statements and answer from “Not at all” to “Very much”. Six measure fear of abandonment and six avoidance of intimacy (some are worded in reverse and scored accordingly). With both scores we place you in one of four styles: secure, anxious, avoidant or disorganised.
The statements are original wording inspired by the two-dimension model of Brennan, Clark and Shaver (1998). They are not psychometrically validated: this is a reflection tool, not a diagnosis.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I have anxious attachment?
Can anxious attachment change?
Is anxious attachment the same as emotional dependence?
Which style does anxious attachment tend to clash with?
Are my answers saved?
Scientific references and bibliography
- Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Erlbaum.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
- Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (pp. 46–76). Guilford Press.
- Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.